I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
