i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
