my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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