Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize