Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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