matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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