Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
