who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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