Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
