How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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