I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
