My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
