I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
