My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i out mim tonsoeep
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
