im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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