____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she woke up with a sticky ear
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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