Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
