He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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