I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
