mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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