Your mouth is God's brothel.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
