i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
