I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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