it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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