i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
