We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
