she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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