Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
