People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
