Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
