you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
