Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I pour the whiskey from now on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
