I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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