I just threw up on my dentist
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
high people should be assigned attendants
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
