I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
