i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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