his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
