I just saw a hot homeless man
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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