My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
