you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
