Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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