Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
