my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
