Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
