i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
