did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
