fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
