Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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