hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
