Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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