I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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