A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
