It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
