hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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