I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You took a bar mat shot.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
