life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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