I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
